Throughout the history of mankind and mainly due to biological programming, the male gender is always in charge of initiating any potentially romantic contact. You know, he shows off, she decides whether she wants to mate with him, blah, blah, etc. Of course, we humans naturally follow this old and genetically imprinted model with some relative ease.
The ‘law’ that dictates that men should put themselves out there for women to choose always made me uncomfortable. Yes, it’s pretty instinctive and it often happens without one realising, but in any case, it’s a soul-crashing experience for most shy specimens. Most men yearn for some affection, the type of affection we can only get from women, not fellow men and yet, we must compete for that affection knowing that the chances are ultimately very slim. Not a good prospect, in fact, it’s more a competition with our inner self in standing out there and going back to the comfortable retreat with the least possible damage.
I’m sure most women have absolutely no clue as to the difficulty in making a move, unless they are somehow below average in looks (and hence they can’t be passive) or lesbians and take up the role of the initiator. Now imagine what’s like to be a man and also a shy person. It doesn’t look promising and alluring now, does it? That’s the issue for several of those XYs you see every day. They may hate being required to show off, they may happen to suffer from avoidant personalities and some phobia, they may be so scarred from previous rejections that they are afraid, they may resent being mocked by other more alphaish males, or all of the aforementioned and more. The end result is the same: they have a very bad time trying to compete for the affection of a woman.
Nobody likes to put himself in the game if the chances to win are so little that the ego bruising ends up being in vain. Most women don’t quite grasp the concept. They may rationalise it correctly, but only when (and if they ever) feel it they get the importance out of it and yet they mostly dismiss it as ‘a natural thing males know how to control’. No, ladies, more men than you could possibly fathom are guilty of never being able to manage their heartbeats and demeanor in their approaches. Remember, it’s their egos in the frontline with a high probability that you will say no and crush their hope, the very kind of hope that fuels their lives.
Obviously, many men have learned (or are naturals) and are now able to shrug a rejection off with relative ease and hardly any consequence. Still, the point remains valid, it’s not an action without consequences. It’s not something we control due to our high expertise, it’s always an act of being exposed and expecting all sorts of reactions from a pious ‘No’ to ‘Eew, you disgusting larvae’ or worse off, the silent rejection through the ‘get lost you lowly lifeform’ look.
Going back to a more personal arena, I never did an approach. It embarrasses the hell out of me and makes me so nervous I can feel that my heart is going to jump off my chest. My beta personality doesn’t help and I’m not very good at socialising, in general. I haven’t been blessed with a vibrant jokeful personality and I love intellectual conversation, which is the most common trait of a nerd. Almost no fashion sense, not many attractive features and crowd avoidance complete the landscape. How could I go out there and show off what I know will get me no chance of ever winning? How could I go out there and suffer your rejection, the mocking of your friends and the scorn of the general public and still be able to smile and move on as if nothing had happened? I’d rather stay home anytime than ridiculise myself for nothing. It’s easy: if an action brings more ache than the omission of it, then why ever bother doing it?
The ‘law’ that dictates that men should put themselves out there for women to choose always made me uncomfortable. Yes, it’s pretty instinctive and it often happens without one realising, but in any case, it’s a soul-crashing experience for most shy specimens. Most men yearn for some affection, the type of affection we can only get from women, not fellow men and yet, we must compete for that affection knowing that the chances are ultimately very slim. Not a good prospect, in fact, it’s more a competition with our inner self in standing out there and going back to the comfortable retreat with the least possible damage.
I’m sure most women have absolutely no clue as to the difficulty in making a move, unless they are somehow below average in looks (and hence they can’t be passive) or lesbians and take up the role of the initiator. Now imagine what’s like to be a man and also a shy person. It doesn’t look promising and alluring now, does it? That’s the issue for several of those XYs you see every day. They may hate being required to show off, they may happen to suffer from avoidant personalities and some phobia, they may be so scarred from previous rejections that they are afraid, they may resent being mocked by other more alphaish males, or all of the aforementioned and more. The end result is the same: they have a very bad time trying to compete for the affection of a woman.
Nobody likes to put himself in the game if the chances to win are so little that the ego bruising ends up being in vain. Most women don’t quite grasp the concept. They may rationalise it correctly, but only when (and if they ever) feel it they get the importance out of it and yet they mostly dismiss it as ‘a natural thing males know how to control’. No, ladies, more men than you could possibly fathom are guilty of never being able to manage their heartbeats and demeanor in their approaches. Remember, it’s their egos in the frontline with a high probability that you will say no and crush their hope, the very kind of hope that fuels their lives.
Obviously, many men have learned (or are naturals) and are now able to shrug a rejection off with relative ease and hardly any consequence. Still, the point remains valid, it’s not an action without consequences. It’s not something we control due to our high expertise, it’s always an act of being exposed and expecting all sorts of reactions from a pious ‘No’ to ‘Eew, you disgusting larvae’ or worse off, the silent rejection through the ‘get lost you lowly lifeform’ look.
Going back to a more personal arena, I never did an approach. It embarrasses the hell out of me and makes me so nervous I can feel that my heart is going to jump off my chest. My beta personality doesn’t help and I’m not very good at socialising, in general. I haven’t been blessed with a vibrant jokeful personality and I love intellectual conversation, which is the most common trait of a nerd. Almost no fashion sense, not many attractive features and crowd avoidance complete the landscape. How could I go out there and show off what I know will get me no chance of ever winning? How could I go out there and suffer your rejection, the mocking of your friends and the scorn of the general public and still be able to smile and move on as if nothing had happened? I’d rather stay home anytime than ridiculise myself for nothing. It’s easy: if an action brings more ache than the omission of it, then why ever bother doing it?
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