On why it’s hard to approach women II Monday, Jun 22 2009

As I was saying in the previous post, the shy guy has a tough time when it comes to relationships. If he is like me, then he’s likely thinking ahead of the actual facts. You know, he can picture himself going out with her on a regular basis, even before she knows him or a ‘hi’ is exchanged. (By the way, the hi may never happen if he’s really love-shy)
In any case, the main trouble seems to be timing. You know, most girls around the globe have several guys hitting on her at the same time (if she’s not already in a relationship), with some approaching done even in public circles. No shy guy could do that. If he were so brave and decided as to approach, then he would need some privacy. Privacy means the chance to suffer only her rejection and not that of those among the public. For me, that’s vital, no approach of mine would work in a crowded place, even less if any type of competitor were present.
Also, there’s more to the hardness of approaches than meets the eye. What is it that a guy can say without sounding stupid and nerdy? Some guys, the ones who have been blessed with a great personality can get off with saying whatever they like, their sense of humour and charisma just makes any comment worth an approval. Not so much with a nerdy comment from a shy guy, an insecure hi or any pair of words said with a straight face.
So, in the end, for that nice guy that’s fairly shy… what’s his edge in the dating arena? What does he have in his favour to “impress” the lady? Some may say cuteness can be the edge, but the dividing line between cuteness and creepiness is not as wide as many people think it is. A comment slipped here or there, a look, the face of the guy, the trembling of the voice, the difference isn’t that remarkable. The most common verdict is that a guy is creepy, not that he’s cute albeit shy. Shyness is never a nice trait for guys to have, it often cripples their ability to enjoy themselves in the world, it often renders them a life without partners.
All I can say for a conclusion is: never ever belittle the effort put into approaching a woman. The shy guys in the corner (or the shy lesbians somewhere) will fight against their odds until they die or give up and most of them would be pretty grateful if you didn’t mock their little, big, few or lot of attempts to find themselves someone with whom to share their lives.

Leave a Response »

 

On why it’s hard to approach women Friday, Jun 19 2009

Throughout the history of mankind and mainly due to biological programming, the male gender is always in charge of initiating any potentially romantic contact. You know, he shows off, she decides whether she wants to mate with him, blah, blah, etc. Of course, we humans naturally follow this old and genetically imprinted model with some relative ease.
The ‘law’ that dictates that men should put themselves out there for women to choose always made me uncomfortable. Yes, it’s pretty instinctive and it often happens without one realising, but in any case, it’s a soul-crashing experience for most shy specimens. Most men yearn for some affection, the type of affection we can only get from women, not fellow men and yet, we must compete for that affection knowing that the chances are ultimately very slim. Not a good prospect, in fact, it’s more a competition with our inner self in standing out there and going back to the comfortable retreat with the least possible damage.
I’m sure most women have absolutely no clue as to the difficulty in making a move, unless they are somehow below average in looks (and hence they can’t be passive) or lesbians and take up the role of the initiator. Now imagine what’s like to be a man and also a shy person. It doesn’t look promising and alluring now, does it? That’s the issue for several of those XYs you see every day. They may hate being required to show off, they may happen to suffer from avoidant personalities and some phobia, they may be so scarred from previous rejections that they are afraid, they may resent being mocked by other more alphaish males, or all of the aforementioned and more. The end result is the same: they have a very bad time trying to compete for the affection of a woman.
Nobody likes to put himself in the game if the chances to win are so little that the ego bruising ends up being in vain. Most women don’t quite grasp the concept. They may rationalise it correctly, but only when (and if they ever) feel it they get the importance out of it and yet they mostly dismiss it as ‘a natural thing males know how to control’. No, ladies, more men than you could possibly fathom are guilty of never being able to manage their heartbeats and demeanor in their approaches. Remember, it’s their egos in the frontline with a high probability that you will say no and crush their hope, the very kind of hope that fuels their lives.
Obviously, many men have learned (or are naturals) and are now able to shrug a rejection off with relative ease and hardly any consequence. Still, the point remains valid, it’s not an action without consequences. It’s not something we control due to our high expertise, it’s always an act of being exposed and expecting all sorts of reactions from a pious ‘No’ to ‘Eew, you disgusting larvae’ or worse off, the silent rejection through the ‘get lost you lowly lifeform’ look.
Going back to a more personal arena, I never did an approach. It embarrasses the hell out of me and makes me so nervous I can feel that my heart is going to jump off my chest. My beta personality doesn’t help and I’m not very good at socialising, in general. I haven’t been blessed with a vibrant jokeful personality and I love intellectual conversation, which is the most common trait of a nerd. Almost no fashion sense, not many attractive features and crowd avoidance complete the landscape. How could I go out there and show off what I know will get me no chance of ever winning? How could I go out there and suffer your rejection, the mocking of your friends and the scorn of the general public and still be able to smile and move on as if nothing had happened? I’d rather stay home anytime than ridiculise myself for nothing. It’s easy: if an action brings more ache than the omission of it, then why ever bother doing it?

Leave a Response »

 

Attraction and feelings Tuesday, Jun 16 2009

This is probably a topic deserving 5 or more posts, but I’ll try to condense it into just one. I’ll probably go back to it in the future, as nothing is ever definitive…
What causes attraction? Evolutionary anthropology, psychology and a few other disciplines are quite verbose about it. The theories are endless, and probably timeless as well. It’s fairly obvious that health attracts as it suggests good genes and high life expectancy. Health in women may include the obvious signs of capability to endure pregnancy and the rigour of living, hence to typical 0.7 waist to hip ratio, general hourglass figure, smooth skin, tight body and pleasing aesthetic presence. Obviously phsycal characteristics are determinant when it comes to attraction to females by heterosexual men, but it’s never enough and it shows… Plus, within certain range, different men will set their priorities in increasingly different ways.
What attracts me to women? As a man, I can’t deny I often feel attracted to slender or thin girls with most of the characteristics listed above, but the ultra hot type of woman for whom most guys would lose their heads hardly ever attracts me. I’m not denying the beauty of a supermodel, but generally they never have the ‘kwan’ (in the words of Rod Tidwell). The crucial ingredient is somehow missing.
So, now, really… what attracts me to woman then? There’s this indescribable, ineffable ‘air’. It encompasses thing such as grace, modesty, a nice smile, quietness, softness, some natural vulnerability mixed with a strong presence, posture and the general way in which she carries herself. I guess the ultimate test in regards to the level of real attraction for a lady comes with the answer to the following question: does she make me feel ‘eager’ to protect her in a nurturing way? If the answer is positive, then there’s certainly that much needed spark. Few women in my life have made me feel that way and even though I haven’t met many of them, I’m sure I could recognise the feeling.
Why is the spark so important to me? Because I could never find any loud, invulnerable and manly woman attractive, regardless of whether she had the body of a Venus. The sense of attraction never worked for me based on looks alone. That brings me to the next topic… what kind of feelings does attraction bring?
For many men attraction means that they want to possess (in every possible meaning) the object of attraction. I wouldn’t be true to myself if I denied such a feeling, but, while lingering in strength, it’s never alone and never that much important. A woman  to whom I’m attracted may never realise it, but one of the first feelings she provokes is the one of spiritual bonding at a peer level, I want to feel like I’m a friend of hers far more than I want to conquer her. I want to understand her and provide for her, be of some use to her life. Then, if our bond gets stronger (and I’ve never reached this stage), I’d feel the need to shower her with affection, affection I have inside of me, ready to be unbottled, but that’s way too far into a relationship and it requires that the woman allows me to feel what I need to feel before…
So, basically, attraction is way too complex to be described and feelings are never quite easy to be put into words. This attempt has showed (once again) the very limited nature of written language.  Sorry about that.
Gladly, a blog allows for better ‘speeches’ than regular conversation. Of course, I can’t quite talk to the typical guy in his 20s about this. Hormones are usually very powerful in that decade and the search of a soulmate material does not rank very highly for most of them, at least not high enough as it does for me. All in all, I hope that most of you will be able to get that if some man doesn’t quite answer with unstopabble cheering to the view of a beautifully modeled woman out there, it may mean that, although he ackwoledges the beauty of said woman, he doesn’t feel moved by it.

Leave a Response »

 

Presentation Monday, Jun 15 2009

I’m the romantic type of guy. The one that likes happy endings in movies and the one that thinks cuddling, a hug and stimulating conversation are far more important than sex (not that I’m asexual). Think of someone who is likely to get a girl unexpected little presents, someone respectful, loyal and quiet, someone whose behaviour would qualify is totally beta. Yeah, that’s me and I’m not ashamed of being such a guy. I can’t be an alpha, because it’s both biologically impossible and psychologically destructive. I don’t want to play with women, I don’t want to date around for ‘fun’ and I’m probably incapable of doing the aforementioned anyway.
 
I know for sure what my position is the social hierarchy. I’m ok with it, it’s perfectly logical. Women like dominant men as much as men like beautiful women. I’m not that much of a dominant man hence my standing reflects my nature to a tee. My nature is intellectual, shy and boring and my basic offer to a potential partner is stability and a sense of prudence, not coolness, status or money.
 
There you go, I’ve listed my main characteristics in a rather complicated way, but I’m sure you understand. I just wanted you to know where I come from, the ‘backend’  for my thoughts. Hopefully you will come to realise why I think the way I do and maybe even share some of my opinions.

Leave a Response »